


Since Feeling Is First

by smith_lyra



Series: The Soldier And The Genius (a winteriron collection) [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Falling In Love, Growing Old, Growing Old Together, Love, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 08:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16593968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smith_lyra/pseuds/smith_lyra
Summary: Since feeling is firstwho pays any attentionto the syntax of thingswill never wholly kiss youwholly to be a fool,while Spring is in the worldMy blood approvesand kisses are a better fatethan wisdomlady I swear by all flowersDon't cry—the best gesture of my brain is less thanyour eyelids' flutter which sayswe are for each other: thenlaugh, leaning back in my armsfor life's not a paragraphand death I think is no parenthesis----------A WinterIron poem fic for "Since feeling is first" by E. E. Cummings





	Since Feeling Is First

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: suicide, death (no gore)

_Since feeling is first_

_who pays any attention_

_to the syntax of things_

_will never wholly kiss you_

Tony was three years old when he first heard of James Buchanan Barnes. Well, Tony was probably younger, but his first memory of it was that of the day he turned three. His mother woke him up and brought him down to the kitchen, where his father stood. Howard placed Tony in his lap and told him stories of his times at the war. The main focus was, of course, Captain America, but his loyal sidekick immediately became the little boy’s favourite. Tony knew he would never be as good as Steve Rogers, but maybe he could try and become close to Bucky Barnes.

 

_wholly to be a fool,_

_while Spring is in the world_

Many springs later, when Tony turned seventeen, he was tucked in bed in his lonely room, hiding from a very drunk Howard who had sent Rhodey away. Clutching at a Bucky Barnes comic book, the young genius drunk himself to oblivion. His last coherent thought was that he had already lost all his chances of ever being as loyal and stable as Roger’s sidekick. He had never imagined he would ever get to meet him.

 

_My blood approves_

_and kisses are a better fate_

_than wisdom_

_lady I swear by all flowers_

Afghanistan happened, Stane happened, the Avengers happened, the Mandarin and Ultron happened, and Tony’s faith in humanity had never been so low. His only constant was the belief in Bucky Barnes’s goodness, since even Captain America’s myth had been shattered. The night when Steve had told him his old friend was responsible for his parents’ deaths had been an emotional one, he had cried, and yelled and drunk. And then he had read the files and realised that maybe the one to blame wasn’t his childhood hero, no more than the knife was to blame for a stabbing. The next day, Tony had all his facial recognition systems looking for the Sergeant. A month later, Bucky was in the Tower, and Tony had the chance to get to know his hero. He was not going to fuck this up.

 

_Don't cry —the best gesture of my brain is less than_

_your eyelids' flutter which says we are for each other: then laugh, leaning back in my arms_

There had been some tough times, especially at the beginning, when Barnes was still trying to figure out who he was, and Tony was still working on completely forgiving the soldier. A lot of fights, quite a bit of punching and a many manly tears afterwards, the genius and the soldier reconciled. A tentative companionship developed, and grew into friendship and, later, love. The tears became kisses, and the hours with each other turned into years. They wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. And they did.

 

_for life's not a paragraph_

If you asked Bucky what the saddest day of his life was, he wouldn’t speak of the army, nor of HYDRA. Instead, he’d tell you about the day Tony didn’t recognise him. It had been decades since they had met, and even Tony’s genius brain had started to show signs of his age. On his best days, the billionaire (who had already passed the company onto his heir, Peter) still knew exactly who both the sergeant and their adoptive son were. On his bad days, he couldn’t even remember his own name. Either way, James would cradle him in his arms, cook for him, sing for him. Tony always appreciated the attention, even if he couldn’t understand why he was in the receiving end of it. Bucky knew his genius wouldn’t be with him for much longer, but hell would be cold before he left him alone.

 

_and death I think is no parenthesis_

In 2066, a week after his 96th birthday, Tony sucked in his last breath, releasing it in a shaky _I love you, James_. He hadn’t known right from left in a long time, but in that last day he knew exactly who his lover was. His body went limp in the Sergeant’s arms, and the latter released a sole tear, that rolled unnoticed in his cheek.

“I’ll be with you in a minute, Anthony. I promised I’d never leave you alone.”

Bucky brought the gun to his head and fired it. He had spent a lot of time researching a way to join his lover. He didn’t miss the shot.

**Author's Note:**

> Send me prompts here in the comments or through my [tumblr](thewintergenius.tumblr.com)


End file.
